Severing the Bond

“Love only breaks up to start over again
You’ll get the babies
But you won’t have your man
While he is busy loving every woman that he can…”

                       ~Candi Staton: From Young Hearts Run Free~

Too many times I have heard or seen single women with children arguing and/or fighting over the father of their child with other females.  In fact, I have been the victim of such nuisance behavior. And in the end, the guy usually leaves and seeks out another female partner.

Countless women (not all) engages in this type of behavior. Why? I can only theorize that it is based on the bond from having a child with said man. Some women might think that since they have a child together, he’s hers. Sure the two will always share a bond because they do have a child together; however, that doesn’t make the man hers.

All relationships of this type can not and should not be classified into this category. When theirs a healthy relationship between two partners, insecurities are at minimum. However, if there is a lacking of trust and communication in the relationship, other factors festers into the relationship. These other factors consist or insecurities (Jealousy) and a lack of trust and/or communication between the two partners. Moreover, if one partner is continue to use accusatory remarks to the other partner; it could lead to increased arguments or violence.

If there are signs of volatile behavior in the relationship, perhaps one should sever the bond. By severing the bond,  I mean let go of what is causing one to be unhappy. Is it worth your life or the life of your child, to undergo such negative behavior?  Is it worth engaging in fighting other females (or perhaps males), just for the sake that ‘he’s my baby’s daddy.’ Just because a man father’s a child, doesn’t mean he will commit to a female any quicker. If he’s being abusive to you in front of the child, then one needs to think seriously about severing the bond with the father.

This is just a little tidbit that I will be including in my upcoming book about relationships.

Cheers,

Mildred.

 

Taking Responsibility…

How many times have we read or seen people that do horrid things and fail to take responsibility for their own actions. In addition, these same said individuals are more likely to think of themselves as the victim. Less and less today, we see this type of inappropriate behavior in people’s actions.

I am sadden by the incident that happened in Las Vegas where this deranged person open fire on innocent individuals, killing some and injuring others. After reading a post in regards to why he did it, this also saddened me. I am under the assumption from my reading that he did this atrocity because of Islam.

If someone is that afraid or upset over Islam, why doesn’t the person go confront the people who they are upset with, instead of injuring and killing innocent individuals.  I am not by any means condoling violence of any kind, but two wrongs don’t make a right. Society seems to be in fear of terrorism, but by this recent tragedy, it is difficult to determine who is the terrorist and whose not. It appears that one is becoming what one is afraid of.

So let’s talk about taking responsibility; and this is both seen in acts of terrorism and non-acts of terrorism-they take their own lives. In my opinion, that is a cowardly move, because the culprit cannot accept their consequences of their own inappropriate behavior. There’s no justice for victims that are left behind suffering the loss of their loved ones.

Before one decides to selfishly commit atrocities on innocent victims, try to remember to take responsibility for your own actions….

Until later,

Mildred

Why Going Back Doesn’t Work

I have learned a valuable lesson in the field of romance and it is that returning to the same romance just doesn’t work. Why, you might ask? First, there’s a reason why the romance was dissolved; and if things didn’t get worked out then, there’s just really no possible way to fix it. While there might be some success in going back to a previous relationship, I am sure there are some non-successful attempts as well.

I dated this man for several years and I caught him in cheating on me, well let’s say  I didn’t catch him directly in the act but I rode up on him in the process. He tried to apologize and everything; and I tried to give it another chance. However, the hurt was too deep for any type of reconciliation between us. An important statement that I have observed from watching others who have gone back to a previous relationships is, “he or she has changed.”

Some  will tell you that they have changed, when in fact, they haven’t. There shouldn’t be an expectation to believe that they have change their ways just to suit our needs or perspective on how we think a relationship should go. What I mean here is that, a person is not going to change unless they want to. Although, a counterargument could be held that some do actually change. My rebuff to that premise is that some might change for a moment, but then some might revert back to their same antics and behaviors.

Secondly, going back doesn’t work because the issue or problem is still there. As mentioned above, if the issue or problem wasn’t fix during the relationship, it’s going to be more difficult to repair when going back. If it is repairable, then it’s going to take both partners trying to repair the relationship. This takes time and effort.

Let’s examine the example that I have provided. Every time he would make me mad, I would always throw up his infidelity and how much I was effected by his actions. Of course this would evoke an argument and the cycle spins out of control and repeats itself.  Finally, I told myself, the relationship was severely damaged and beyond repair; leaving me to move on.

Third, another factor that one has to examine before deciding to reunite with a previous partner is relationship investment. Relationship investment is what you have invested in the relationship: time, financial investment, children, and so forth. I am not actually speaking to married couples because that’s a whole other spectrum to be considered, such as legal concerns. However, being single in a relationship is an investment much like marriage. Investment of time is a serious consideration in a relationship and one should asked themselves some serious questions before deciding to go back such as: the length of the relationship, is it a good idea to just leave, or has the time I spent with this person is worth fighting for. If the relationship is bogged down with abuse or infidelity; there shouldn’t even be a second thought as what one should do (even though it is easier said than done). Is there children born from the relationship? There’s a lot to consider there. And does one have any financial ties to the relationship as well?

There’s a lot to consider if going back outweighs not going back; and it’s really up to each individual to decide what’s best for them. But if going back rests upon him or her changing, that is one of the biggest reason why going back doesn’t work.

Cheers,

Mildred

Recognizable Signs of Relational Emotional Abuse

When an individual first start dating their newly found partner, they might not see the starting signs of relational emotional abuse. This phase can be liken to the honeymoon phase or the, I-have-blinders-on phase.   I am going to list a few signs of relational emotional abuse; as I probably have posted on this before.

Relational emotional abuse can be defined as: any time an individual is in an intimate relationship with another individual; and engages in emotional scare tactics or the use of derogatory remarks to their intimate partner.

Some signs to look out for:

1. Derogatory name calling: This mean calling you out of your given name. If they call you such horrid names, then they aren’t respecting you as a person or an intimate partner.
2. Restricting Access to Social Media: This is a characteristic of controlling the partner’s independence by coercing them to delete all of their social media accounts such as: Facebook, Twitter, Snap Chat, and so forth. Controlling partners doesn’t want their partner to focus on anything or anyone besides themselves.
3. Limiting Access to Family: This one of the biggest problems in relational emotional abuse, when the partner restricts the other partner from visiting relatives or moves them away from their relatives.
4. Early Signs of Emotional Abuse: Frequently questioning the whereabouts of the partner. Some might think that it’s cute, cause it shows that the partner is jealous. Remember, love is never being jealous. Not only do they frequent questioning the whereabouts of the partner, but how long it took to do errands. Other signs are they are suspicious of your best friends; as well as not wanting you to speak to someone of the opposite sex.

If you feel like you are experiencing any of this early on in your new relationship; please seek assistance; as well as reevaluating if this is the right partner for you.

Cheers,

Mildred.

Self-Respect

What is the meaning of self-respect? According to Merriam-Webster, self respect is define as:

• a proper respect for oneself as a human being
• regard for one’s own standing or position

In this day and age, there seems to be lack of self-respect that we require of ourselves. From calling other derogatory names and allowing others to call us those derogatory names. I have been guilty of this before learning that it does not equate to self-respect. I’ve decided to share my thoughts on learning how to have self-respect and respect for others.  After all, don’t we all want others to have that unconditional positive regard, respecting us for who we are. One might say that some doesn’t deserve unconditional positive regard, while that may be correct in one’s assessment-who are we to judge others of who they are (though, that might be a debatable subject).

Today, I am here to talk about having self-respect for oneself. Each culture holds their own beliefs, customs, and values. In some cultures it appears that it’s okay  calling each other derogatory names or disrespecting the opposite sex (usually females). But is that what one want for themself? If someone is calling one derogatory names; along with telling them that they are this or that; wouldn’t that person continue to be negative reinforced into thinking that they are that derogatory name?

For example, in some cultures; and seemingly on the rise in other cultures, it’s okay for them to call each other the N word. I stopped allowing others to call me that a long time ago. My belief is that, if one doesn’t want someone outside of their race to call them that name; how can they have double-standards and allowed others in their own race to call them the N word? What happened to other appropriate names that one can call a friend?

Not only that, how can one allow others, especially females, to be called out of their names? Where is the standard of self-respect that one holds for themselves. One has to have self-respect for themselves before anyone else is going to respect you. Respect is not an act of entitlement, it is earned. So many times, I have heard some young individual assert that others should respect them. No, I am sorry, respect doesn’t work that way.

We have to rise above the name calling to one another, we have to rise to having self-respect for ourselves; and hold others accountable for respecting who we are. Just a little food for thought for today.

Cheers,

Mildred.

Why They Stay!

This blog is more on a series note. I read another blog about individuals not understanding the plight of some women remaining in abusive relationships; and why they shouldn’t tell them to leave.

There has been a vast array of scholarly articles and non-scholarly articles why some women remains in abusive relationships. In fact, it was the subject of my Master’s thesis. Most women remain because lack of resources. Lack of resources is one of the most important factor for staying in an abusive relationship. Lack of resources stems from not having the means to provide emergency housing needs and/or  the means for childcare when trying to escape an abusive partner. But the most vital important reason why some women remain in abusive relationship is out of fear of retaliation from the partner.

From a scholarly view, it is well known that women are more likely to be traumatized if they try or leave their partner. Thus, the reason why women are more likely to remain. However, is it actually wrong for others to express their concerns and suggest that the victim leaves their partner?

It might be that friends might not understand the dynamics of abusive relationships because they have never experienced it; or they might be in an abusive relationship themselves and is projecting their desires to leave on to their friend.  There is nothing “morally” wrong in telling a friend that she needs to leave, even if they don’t understand the mechanisms.

But as a friend to someone who is being abused, what can a friend do to help their friend. The best advice I can suggest is to be their friend, be their to listen; and to offer any help within means. If you know someone that is in an abusive relationship, help is out there. Many might not know that the Department of Social Services might have a domestic violence unit within their organization. Some police departments are now instructing their officers on how to handle domestic disputes; and some even have a domestic violence department. There are also various community organizations that can assist victims of domestic abuse, such as providing emergency shelter.  In addition, there are some church organizations that might be able to assist as well. Check your local Police Department and Social Services for more information.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)